Joy in the Physical

I have remembered my joy.
I have re-invented my momentum.
These conversations have steadied my hand
and helped remind me to keep the noises away.
Excitement surrounds my pulse and vibrates through my veins like an electric charge.
Remember your joy. Find your words.
Look deeper and farther past your today than you ever have before.
It is not all chance. It is not all your doing.
There is one who loves greater than is fathomable.
He will hold your joy, and He will keep your momentum electric.
This is where I come from and I am grateful for this gift.
~12-29-04

Ignorance Would Be Bliss

I wonder if later on I will look back on this conclusion
And forget how close I came to jumping.
I feel as an old woman,
Wizened by numerous mistakes & lessons learned.
If tears left marks,
my cheeks would be wrinkled beyond recognition.
But to what avail?
It benefits me none today,
When all I want is to take away my responsibility.
07-19-02

Sunburn

I'm sitting here on my bed
nursing the wounds of a day in the sun.
Wishing that this solar source
had charred these inner injuries I've not been able to forgive.
I crave a oneness with a peace I've only dreamed of creating.

The sky is a muddle of gray, wanting also
to release its burden of guilt.
If only we would work together,
This man and I, we could rid the world of more than one scar.
07-19-02

Twins

Little hands grasp at newly found eyelashes.
They tickle my new nieces fingertips,
and they laugh at this new life experience.
Their first words & first steps are halting and unsure.
Mostly I will remember the discovery of belly buttons,
and the fuzzies between toes.
I can't wait to hear the words 'I love you'
come from their tiny lips.
But I know and feel this
when I hear their squeals of delight each time I visit.
04-2001

Falling

Let me love you forever.
Make all my hurt go away.
Give me the peace that I long to attain.
But I don't want to lose.
I'm afraid that once I find that peace,
my heart will die,
And I will no longer feel the elation of falling.
09-10-99

Classroom

Where did the moment go?
It was there but I turned my head and it faded.
The test was failed and everytime I try to make it up,
I forget to study.
6-22-00

Deja Vu

I was wearing that blue sweater again.
The one I had on when we first met.
I keep playing those days over again and again;
As if they will change this time.
I am alone because I cannot stop remembering that blue sweater
In a heap, on the floor while I was burning bridges
I hadn't even built yet.
Sometimes I ache for innocence!
Other times I reel for another day in my blue sweater.
The one I had on when we first met.
12-02

Ritual Prodigalism

I'm exhausted in this life I've chosen
I walk down paths that lead away.
This so called freedom has chained me to heartache
I no longer know how to keep it at bay.

So now I pray
And now I weep
Seems every choice I make is cheap.
So now I pray
And now I weep
Every tear I shed, you keep.

At night I change my mind with weak indulgence.
As if I can erase the marks each dawn.
You stand in love and watch me crumble
And ache to see whom I call on.

So now I pray
And now I weep
Seems every choice I make is cheap.
So now I pray
And now I weep
Every tear I shed, you keep.

I am drowning in a lake of sorrow
And calling out for you to see.
I'm falling down a well that's empty
Wishing you could comfort me.
Please comfort me.

So now I pray
And you are here
All my problems disappear
So now I pray
You want to stay
Even as you watch me walk away.
07-02

Reasoning

Alone I sat. Alone I thought.
“This isn’t a permanent situation.
I am not happy. He is not everything.”
He held my hand. He touched my face.
“I hope this is permanent.
I am so happy. He is my everything.”
Alone again. So sad.. so, so alone.
He holds me tight and I live in the moment.
He loves me right? He loves me right now
And that is all I want. All I need.
Until I am alone again...
And it hurts so bad.
05-12-99

The Fire

All this time, I have thought
it was the flames that kept me alive.
I always thought life was based
on how often I felt the burn.
But fire’s die and the light fades.
It wasn’t the fire!
It was love;
Love for myself, and His love for me.
Why won’t the feeling begin?
Because it is still lost deep beneath
my priorities.
Like the fire, my memory faded.
God never disappeared.
I faded into the world

Traffic

I’m guessing it is too soon to be back.
I can still smell the campfire in my jacket.
And feel the sun on my face.
The homesickness is for more
than just wanting the sun and wind.
But a sickness for peace and
the comfort of being alone with God.
I don’t want to worry about worldly chaos…
I just want flowers and fire, sun and rain,.
peace and … peace.
05-97

White

I wore the nice clothes,
I kept my looks as he liked.
I wanted to make him love me
So I conformed.
He loved a structured look,
He liked a tailored cut.
I wanted to be perfect for him.
So I forgot to be me.
And he forgot to notice.
He forgot what drew him first to me.
I lost the glow that attracted him
because I became ordinary.
I vowed I’d never be like her.
I worried that I would.
I promised to be unique.
Unique of what?
I was gonna be different from all the girls!
So I wasn’t so different...
5-12-99

Battle Cry

How can I say that I follow this crowd?
I have seen the light and I teach the truth.
To walk so close to the edge invites disaster.
The light grows dim and the consequences of sin
grow at an alarming rate.
It becomes so easy to lose your standards and cling
to the temporary.
So, I say to myself as the prophets of old:
“Awake my soul! No longer droop in sin.”
1-15-01

A Healing Place

As each day passes, I feel stronger
and more separate from the strange.
I continue to look for straighter roads
and harder paths,
Knowing the outcome of each struggle
helps me to take each step.
I love my pain because the joy is so
much more.
I wouldn’t be me without it.
4-17-01

Never Again

Putting it all together
Broken pieces on the floor
Each one touched with sadness.
I pick up one and see a reflection
of the past.
I wish I could just sweep it under
the carpet and forget.
But I know at the same time that
forgetting would lead to the same
sadness.
4-17-00

Breathing Space

The year is up
I’ve found my place.
The heartache and wounds have
healed with little or no evidence of the past.

I thought that love was once and forever.
This preconditioning has made
the journey a hard one to walk.
1-99

Refrigerator Poetry

I need to make my naked shame sing words that fail to understand.
That you are in my mouth-a drug like fire on my tongue
Asking for mercy, swallowing His grace.
So, come closer to where every embrace is light.
Remember as you forget this waltz, you did believe in Him.
2-28-03

Exaltation

So much to learn, I feel afraid.
What I am fighting for...
There is no alternative.
I am walking a thin line,
clutching stacks of books, volumes of knowledge
and pages of wisdom.
Destined for failure.
But no...
Because of 'The Man',
Destined for Greatness.
12-29-00

Homesick

It's been so long, I don't remember what it feels like
to see joy in the physical.
It's all good and bad, but the happy times
are harder to remember;
And they don't last nearly long enough.
The only burning I feel is a choice gone bad,
and I know as soon as I go back,
it will feel like time went by in a blur.
I long for the security of His promise
and I want to go home.
"Oh Father, isn't there anyway we can be friends again?"
01-27-99

Untitled

We were laughing hysterically.
My sides ached from the strain of not breathing.
And when we stopped, I had forgotten why we had started.
Such is life.

History Repeats Itself

When all is said and done, and all is done and said,
When there is nothing left to say,
There is the look.
The look that could start it all again
that starts it all again.

When the day is through and over,
After you've said your prayers and closed your eyes,
The dream seems to come again,
It's not the first, and it's not the last
But it says it all again...
starts it all again.

When you've thought it all forgotten,
and have thrown it all away.
You FEEL it all forgotten,
But the look sends you back to get it.
It brings it back again..and you know you never lost it.

Sometimes you think a song is over,
And you go to turn the station.
But the song starts it tune again,
and it is so inviting...so inviting.
So, you stop to hear.
It plays it all again.
They start it all again.
And you say, "Bring it back again."

It has always been there, but not where you can see.
One day you think it's over and you reflect no more upon it.
And he looks your way again,
History repeats itself and you find you're under his spell again...
Then you realize
you've never left it.
once again...

Untitled

Clouds are not answering my call.
I sing into the empty sky,
And it echoes off of the stars.
The Milky Way once said we were friends,
But you changed your mind when she smiled...

Leaving Home

Familiar faces all around me smile.
They disappear and blank walls stare back.
Nothing remembered, no one to talk to.
I am moving on.
Trying to at least.
Something is keeping me here.
There isn't any reason for me to linger...
I have said my good-byes and accepted whatever life sets in my way.
I stop for one last look at the familiar places around town.
I wonder if this was what it was like
leaving Heavenly Father and Mother...

A Trilogy

Slowly my apprehension is fading.
If I stay alone, it will keep me company.
My love' that is, not my fear.
I hope...
1-24-98
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My talents have dwindled to the reputable and deplorable.
Do you remember that we promised to laugh?
Was I crying then too?
Or just now...
How can I ask you to remember when I can't?
1-20-98
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The inadequacies of expression hurt like grey.
It is a sweet agony.
But I don't hear it until much later
when it means something completely upside-down.
My lips sting from the clenching of my jaw,
but not nearly as much as my head aches from the
dull fuzzy blanket that shields me from the fatasies I wish to create.
My eyes are growing heavy and I believe I will fall
under and dream of Void,
But I'm not certain because I don't know who he is.
1-24-98

Hindsight

I wasn't worth you rcheap white trash.
I wasn't good enough for your holiness.
I wasn't strong enough for your stature.
I wasn't pretty enough for you rmodel perfect taste.

I couldn't sing well enough for your ears.
I couldn't write enough for your mind.
I couldn't feel exactly as you prefer.
I couldn't cope with my failure.

I wouldn't reach high enough to touch you.
I wouldn't cry enough to ease your pain.
I wouldn't try hard enough to suit you.
So I shouldn't complain.
1-20-98

Heaven

I want to picture the world as being heaven.
But all I can think of is the moon smiling down on all of us.
The stars are not twinkling, but they are bright as the sun.

I want to picture a field of sunflowers,
But it is winter now and the flowers are dead and gone.
Not even a stray petal on the ground as evidence of a once beautiful view.

I can picture a warm summer day where their isn't a care in my mind,
But it can only last for a day because I can't really picture heaven,
Without getting homesick.

Noisy Day's

There's nothing more frightening
than no words on a noisy feeling day.
Every so often, I catch myself breathing.
Fire burns in the pit of my stomach,
rises through my body and engulfs my heart in flame.
So, I figure, if I stop breathing, the fire will die.
On thing that keeps me here, is a foolish hope that it was all a big mistake.
He will call. Don't be afraid.
It will be all right...or not.

Answers

Trying again is the way to go,
but when all you receive is pain in the end, what is it all for?
It feels like you look far and wide for the answers to your problems.
And you need to realize that you have only looked in the darkness.
To look for the light is your one true answer.
So, learn and grow. Look at the light.
Think of the light, and live for it.
Why are you sad? All of the answers,
All of the happiness is there right before you;
Waiting for you to turn from the darkness to embrace it.
Believe in the love that is there.
Hope for the love, and when you reach it,
He will be waiting.

Movies

Like waves crashing and symbols bashing
Life erupts into flame and I find myself fully awake.
A smile teases my lips,
hesitant to feel secure in a quickly dying spark.
Parallel days, parallel thoughts.
I need to believe that soon I will tire of this life of mine.
Playing and rewinding, playing and rewinding,
playing and...